Mercedes Déziel-Hupé, Bright Star Woman

Today, I was sitting in on a budgeting seminar and had a very exciting thought occur (no I haven’t finally lost my mind in order to love budgets). I realized that once I’d started letting go of some fears around money and started looking at my situation from a realistic, but heart-centered place, abundance had also started knocking on my door. Was I a better host?

So if I take a few steps back to explain what I was doing on a budgeting seminar, you’ll follow my process.

I’ve been carrying student debt since I’ve graduated from university (almost a decade ago). I thought I would have “so many years ahead of me” to get rid of this and that my bright future and promising career was going to provide me with enough of an income that thoughts of a cushion or a budget didn’t even properly occur to me. Then I was affected by the recession a few times. What? Me? Yes, me. My promising job laid me off as soon as I graduated. I thought that wouldn’t…couldn’t happen to me. Then in 2010 I was let go without cause. My thoughts then: “Universe, are you freakin’ kidding me?!?” I then accumulated some consumer debt.

Sure, I could get into why I think this happened to me (i.e. habits, beliefs, lack of experience), or rationalize it, or posit how I could have handled this differently but the point of this post is rather to state where I am now. I’ve carried debt. What a big taboo! It’s sad, because it can be avoided (and definitely corrected) but we shouldn’t be embarrassed to admit we do not know how to handle money if our society doesn’t encourage this type of education. It’s left to our parents, and often, our adult selves. I’m actually quite surprised how few men and women know how to budget, use credit cards and plan for their financial freedom.

In my life, it’s a reality I’ve had a hard time accepting. I’ve had to look at myself honestly. I’ve had to observe my behaviour without judgment. I’ve had to evaluate my priorities and make choices. I had to be honest with my partner. Most difficult of all, I had to admit my weaknesses and ask for help.

Ouch.

So…I created space for abundance to come in.

One of the solutions offered to me was to start getting familiar with some no-nonsense money and budgeting experts. Another solution offered was to do some belief work. I think I needed both, as I’m sure a lot of us do. I’ve been working on both solutions. You need to get the point of an exercise and where you’re starting from, before you can learn the technique. That’s how I understand it.

The first step with money, as with anything, is assessing where you are, and that’s where a budget (and tracking) becomes useful. And that’s where you came in on this post.

So here I was sitting on this budgeting workshop with YNAB, and as I’m plowing away at my own budget, they announce a winner of the software: Mercedes – That’s me!!! WHOA!!! That’s awesome.

As I thanked the organizers for the prize, it hit me: I won two prizes from draws in the space of one month. TWO PRIZES! I hadn’t won anything in contests or draws in YEARS. The other prize I won was a consultation with a coach. One could say my “luck” turned around. A wiser person would say my mindset changed.

What I took away from this was that not only was the Universe giving me exactly what I needed, I had effectively opened the door to variable forms of abundance by proactively asking for help. I’d opened the door to solutions coming in different forms; not just the ones I liked or expected. I had accepted my current situation as my starting point, instead of regretting, throwing a pity party or “should-ing” myself until I felt ill. None of these emotions or mindsets would help me anyway. I was ready, in this state of acceptance and humility, to take constructive action and receive abundance. I’m cleaning house for better guests, because I want to be a better host. I’ve received the form of abundance I needed, because I welcomed it when it knocked, albeit quietly, on my door.

In recent years, I’ve struggled with my health, my mental well-being and this question of happiness. In this process, which is ongoing, I’ve realized that there were things missing in my life (understatement of my generation, right?). Surprisingly, they weren’t things to acquire, but rather, they were experiences to live and feel. I was missing out on so much because of barriers I’d put up within mySelf. We all have barriers to the self, and we all start with recognizing them.

Pride

I realized that one of my sources of restraint was pride. Not in the sense we misunderstand as vain, self-involved and reserved. I mean I was/am proud in the sense that I was protecting my dignity as I saw it and my heart as I remembered pain. You see, folks who aim to better themselves, improve their performance and compete tend to have issues around shame, rejection and self-worth. I know that I learned shame. I learned embarrassment, through experiences such as bullying or singling-out in class. I learned that being “right”, bubbly, helpful and talented was valued. Being valued felt good. I can’t speak for others, but whenever I fell short of any of these, I felt less than. I disappointed and that felt bad. I felt like I lost a bit of shine to my penny. I started to compete with others not to prove myself better than anyone else, but to make myself lovable, though I didn’t know it at the time. When I got older, into adulthood, I loved being the best at something and couldn’t stand not being the best at something I dedicated so much time to. How could I not be the best dancer if I worked so hard? Those questions would send me into tailspins. I would question my entire life’s decisions and whether I even knew who I was. Was I worth anyone’s time?

I was painted as the model student, the talented dancer and artist, the reasonable child, the best friend, the exemplary intern, the up-and-coming reporter, the communications professional, the competitive dancer and team member, the reliable daughter, the girlfriend you bring home to mom. Those are just some of the roles I’ve had to play, as cast by others.

Fear

My fears of feeling shame, embarrassment and not being good enough grew over time. No one is born feeling ill-equipped to live. Everyone born wants to be here. So why do we feel so unloved, inadequate and misunderstood from such a young age?Through experiences. We can choose to take the lessons or identify with the pain. We can’t live with both. When I was about 9 or 10 years old, I danced in a production of Newsies. My coach insisted we lip-sync the chorus introduction and frustrated as she was, she threatened that if she saw one of us mumbling, she would “make us sing the chorus to all the other classes”, which included older kids and teenagers. You’ve probably guessed that I was singled out and was forced to sing, out loud, with no musical accompaniment to about three classes. This was NOT the kind of attention I ever wanted or asked for. I remember my palms sweating and the blood draining from my hands, which were shaking. I remember having a hard time pushing sound out of my mouth. My throat was dry. I made it through the entire chorus while staring at the floor and feeling my face flush. My legs felt like lead. I remember few moments as uncomfortable as that one. I could tell others were also uncomfortable about the manner in which I’d been thrust into their class and forced to perform, like a circus monkey.

Finding My Voice

To this day, I struggle with singing. I have a visceral reaction; like a caged animal. I was a child who loved music and who belted out tunes without a care in the world. I was never even aware that others may not like hearing me! But since this experience, I have third chakra problems. I have a crackly, raspy voice which breaks sometimes mid-speech, or when I sing certain notes. I lose my voice the second I think someone can hear me sing. I frequently have to clear my throat and often have “a frog”. I discovered I have hypothyroidism, which is an under-active thyroid. Louise Hay has very interesting suggestions relating to root causes of physical disease and illness. According to her, thyroid dysfunction has to do with self-expression and being heard or “speaking your truth”. I think it’s pretty clear that my symptoms stem from a traumatic experience. The irony of it all, is that the song was meant to be empowering.

“Open the gates and seize the day

Don’t be afraid and don’t delay

Nothing can break us

No one can make us

Give our rights away

Arise and seize the day”

For years, I stopped myself from singing. I didn’t sing in public, at the karaoke, on road trips, while walking with an iPod, at parties or around a camp fire. All this time, somewhere deep down, I believed that my singing would be judged, that I would be shamed and ostracized.

I stopped myself from learning an instrument and I quit guitar because my family was full of talented musicians. I stopped myself from sewing because my mom could always do it better. I stopped drawing because it was not practical for school or anything else. Besides, I wasn’t “good” at it, like my father or my cousin was. I “grew out” of playing games, an activity I enjoyed so much. I hesitated for years to learn photography because I thought I wouldn’t understand the technique. I was always “mathematically challenged”. I shelved writing and storytelling for the last few years, when I walked away from reporting. I stopped myself from pursuing riskier career options, which were worth the risk for the sheer experience.

I buried mySelf, as I filled my calendar with activities, my head with worry, my credit card with unattainable standards and my heart with sorrow. I realized something had to change…

Author: Mercedes Déziel-Hupé (Page 18 of 18)

When Abundance Comes Knocking

So…I created space for abundance to come in.

Recognizing Barriers to the Self

Pride

Fear

Finding My Voice

Read my recovery story in my next post.

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