This post is the second part of my post called “Anxious About The Future?“
I recently read a journal entry from a year ago (almost to the day). I was struck by such sadness, which nearly sent me in a panic, when I realized that the goals I’d held dear then were not, to this day, realized. In that moment, I did not feel any closer to creating meaning in my life, much less anywhere near fulfilling small dreams (or big ones!). I cried for what felt like lost time, missed opportunities and apparent failure.
Relationships of all kinds become uncomfortable when you feel unrest about your life and who you are in it. Are you even the protagonist of your own life? What kind of story is it? These days, it feels like I don’t know if I’m writing an epic, a drama, a comedy or a nature documentary about ants. I am not at ease in my life situation. Deep in my stomach, I feel an urgency, a yearning for something more. My mind races and I can’t sit for very long to focus. I couldn’t sleep these past few nights from the thoughts of “am I living?” and “I have to get away to clear my head”! I even had a full-body allergic reaction which caused my skin to itch until I felt like I was losing my mind. I get those, once in a while, usually around seasonal changes…
Naturally, reading this, anyone can see it’s a real struggle to me and it’s an unhealthy state to live in. Luckily, these momentary “freak-outs” don’t last, especially when I take steps. Here’s what I mean. I think the questioning is healthy, it helps me refocus but the process could certainly be less intense. In these moments, I revert to self-care and time alone. I try to appease my restless mind with useful jobs like: “listen to your heart; what steps do you need to take to heal and move forward?”
So I make lists, or I talk to a counsellor or I resolve a situation that needs my attention. Whatever it is I need in that moment, I do it. Things may not be entirely resolved and I may not be entirely happy about my situation, but I accept where I am and I recognize why I’m there, as I ACT in small (or big) ways towards a life situation or relationships that DO in fact fill me with peace, acceptance and meaning.
It’s ok to feel the feelings and they won’t always be good, warm and fuzzy ones. Be kind to yourself, give yourself the care you need and take a step toward a life situation that DOES fulfill and honour YOU. The key is to not fall into self-pity and self-defeating thinking and behaviour.
Whatever you do, don’t give up on yourself, don’t stop growing even when you’re scared and don’t stop your journey. Go where life takes you, all while listening to your heart / dreams / purpose. Don’t become a living ghost, just don’t put too much pressure on yourself. We’re all in this together, doing our own living thing. Lots of love to you! xo
Have you ever felt existential anxiety and if so, what triggers it and how do you deal with it?